i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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