My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
