how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
