Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I want to be your penis for a week.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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