Ambien. No doubt about it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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