just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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