TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
