Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
