You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
