Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
