Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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