Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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