Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
