3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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