i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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