He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
