This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have aggressive nipples.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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