I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize