i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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