Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
