Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
