"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
