New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
