RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
