after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
