sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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