I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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