they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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