I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
