You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
