i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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