My Higher Power is John Stamos
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
