drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just pee around me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
