Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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