Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
