haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
