Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
