I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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