There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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