I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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