So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
