were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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