We named our party play list daddy issues
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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