Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
