A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
