I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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