It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
