At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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