The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
