And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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