Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
