I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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