i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
