Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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