tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
