I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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