Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
