The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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