I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
