Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
